How come this is so hard?

I don't usually talk about my feelings here. It is usually how my family is doing and what we are up too. That's mostly why I created this blog but I felt that I really needed to say something other then what I am doing tonight. I can honestly say I am not a sappy person. I am very emotional deep down and that is how I prefer to keep it, deep. It takes a lot for it to come to the surface but when it does it tends to be pretty severe. Which gets me to my point.

I have been extremely emotional lately. I know I am on the mend and everything is getting better but I was way to close to dying. I can not tell you all how guilty I feel for all of this. For not seeing the doctor soon enough and not being there to take care of my kids when they needed me. I have had to struggle with the fact that my Mom has had to take some of my kids away because I can't take care of them and my husband is struggling to finish his work because I need him. Along with the fact that I seem to be getting better at a snails pace and most days I'm still in bed 75% of the day. This is also frustrated by the fact that I still am having problems with my autoimmune disease which I can't take any medicine for especially while taking the antibiotic I'm on now. It's beginning to feel like I have no hope of ever feeling better again. If I take medicine it will kill me but if I don't my life is so painful it's not worth living. But what I feel the most terrible about is that my family has to watch me suffer and they can't do anything to make it better. The pains sucks, the drugs for pain suck, the antibiotic sucks even more and the Behcet's sucks on top of everything else. I can honestly say right now that I don't want to do this anymore. I guess everyone is entitled one night of feeling hopeless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for so many things. I'm grateful I went to the hospital when I did and that I insisted they find out what was wrong. I'm so grateful the antibiotics are working and that I should be able to recover fully. I'm grateful that Medicaid changed our application from denied to approved while I was in the hospital. I grateful I have a mother who would drive 500 miles to help me with the kids and then offer to take them without any complaints at all. I'm grateful for Dave's family and the sacrifice they are making to take my boys so my Mom can have a break....and I'm grateful there is a God who loves me and who watches over me and protects me even from myself.

So to all those who have helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know I can never repay you but I hope you understand how much what you are doing means to me. If this experience has taught me anything is that life is truly fragile and that it is the relationships that you have and not the things you have done that really make a life fulfilled.